Question:  I have been involved with my now fiancé and her 8 year old daughter for the past two years. I love them both like crazy and would do anything for them. We have all been living together for about the past year and a half and have had many wonderful times together. Her daughter has even taken to calling me dad which makes me the happiest person ever.  Here’s my problem: daughter rarely respects anything I say. Whether it is a simple request like asking her to put dishes in the dishwasher or picking up her mess in the house. She does some days listen to her mom, but not always.  I am trying to be the best I can, but I need some advice to help keep our house a happy one. The rewards/consequences thing doesn’t seem to work for us. What else can I do?

Nanny Peace's Advice: First off realize that the situation you have described is very common. I am here to tell you that it probably will not last.  Try to take a step back and instead of trying to get her to do chores by offering a reward for completion, let it be known very clearly to her what is expected of her.  Of course rewards are good but make the rewards lots and lots of praises when she does something good.  Have consequences set in place for misbehavior. For an 8 year old I have found that instead of time-out you can use a technique I call " Bed time minutes": Whenever she has a misbehavior that you have explained to her before, tell her that she has "gained 8 [her age] minutes of earlier bedtime". And then try to fix the behavior by gently asking her to complete the task or asking her to not continue a certain behavior. Remember to keep track of the extra bedtime minutes. The way you enforce the minutes is she has to go to bed x amount of minutes earlier. For example lets say she did not clean her room,  backed talked an adult, and failed to load the dishwasher. That's 3 so her bed time minutes would be 24 minutes and if per-say she has a bed time of 8:00 pm she would have to go to bed 24 minutes earlier so that would mean that she is in the bed at 7:36 sharp! Even if that means putting her to bed in her day clothes.  Tuck her in and tell her gently " ((name) you are going to bed x minutes earlier tonight because you (explain her misbehaviors and how she can improve them)". Then say goodnight to her and turn the light out and walk away.  For example: " Susy, you are going to bed 24 minutes earlier tonight because you did not clean your room today when you were told, because you did not load the dishwasher, and the way you chose to speak with me earlier.  Goodnight Susy"  

Question: What should I do if my child bites?

Nanny Peace's advice: You must first understand that there are many reasons that a child might bite someone. For instance, if the child has a sinus infection biting something as soft as someones skin actually alleviates the pressure, teething, and frustration, and other factors may apply. However, whatever the reason may be it is still not okay.  When a child does something to physically harm someone you should deal with the discipline immediately. If afterward you determine that the reason is more than just frustration then you can offer your child biting alternatives. If they are teething, a wet rag that is frozen may help.

Question: What do I do if my child begins to use bad language?

Nanny Peace's advice: This is actually a very simple situation even though it may not seem so. All you need to do is simply ignore it.  When children use a foul language it is to get attention. Negative attention is still attention. Remember that children almost always repeat what they hear, so if you want to avoid a cussing child then do not cuss yourself.  If the situation escalates and after a while your child is still using bad language then I would recommend a technique called dirty tongue. Keep a small eyedropper in your home and some vinegar. When your child uses a word that you have explained is not okay simply place a few drops onto your child’s tongue. Don’t worry as this will not harm your child but it will do is prevent them from using bad words as no child wants to constantly have the taste of vinegar in their mouth.

Question: How do I handle my two year olds' daily temper tantrums without going crazy myself?

Nanny Peace's advice: Remember that at two years, your child is still learning how to communicate their feelings and needs with you and the people around them. Now that they are getting bigger they should start to want to be more independent and it is frustrating as a person in general when you are unable to communicate that. That said, what you should do is find an area in your home where your child feels comfortable and safe such as a rocking chair, a bean bag, or a pillow that is put to the side.  Now that you have established what is called the calm down area, when your child begins to tantrum just calmly and gently take your child to the calm down area and allow them to vent on their own. Do not yell at them to stop or threaten punishments, you would not want someone to discipline you for being upset. Allow them to get up when they wish, but only if the tantrum has subsided.  If they choose to get up and are still tantruming, then calmly and gently put them back. However, before you begin to use this technique you need to pull your child to the side and tell them that it is okay to be upset or angry and that this is their special place to feel better.  Also remember to tell them they can get up when they are feeling better. Above all, the most important thing is to stay calm and speak in a loving and gentle tone of voice even if you feel that you are not being heard.  Another great thing to remember is that when you introduce a new technique with your child, it usually will take approximately three weeks to take good affect, so be patient in the mean time.

DISCLAIMER:  Nanny Peace has over ten years experience caring for little ones newborn through teenage years. She is not a therapist or psychiatrist and should not be viewed as such. Advice will be given that has been successful in the past unless it is a new situation never addressed by the nanny, in which case she will offer her advice to best help the family.  It is rare that there is a situation that Nanny Peace has not personally experienced.